Reflections on the Start of 2019: Self-discovery, Challenges and Adventure

I knew that the first three months of this year were jam-packed, but what I didn’t realise before writing out my reflections was just how personal it was going to get, and just how much I had grown in the space of three months. The personal struggles I overcame, the moments of pure joy and ecstasy I experienced, and the deep and meaningful friendships I formed and maintained during the beginning of 2019 have left a lasting impact on me and will shape the way the rest of this year plays out.

Personal Reflections

At the time of initially writing this in April, I was riding the highs (and the lows) of a very full and eventful three months. I was feeling ecstatic, motivated and ready to conquer whatever the world could throw at me. And then I sat on this post for quite some time, trying to tweak it and make sure it encapsulated everything I was trying to say. And it changed, quite a lot.

I knew there were elements missing from the initial draft — the real, honest and less exciting parts. The tough times; the bits that don’t look as great or interesting on social media but probably do a lot more to help others become happier, and less isolated people. And that is why I waited until now to publish this. I wanted to make sure it was the most honest and accurate reflection of my thoughts, feelings and discoveries in the first three months of this year.

What I ended up with is a very real, raw, and honest reflection on all of my thoughts and feelings, greatest achievements and struggles, and life changing moments from the beginning of this year. So here it is — the good, the bad, and most importantly, the ugly.

Greatest Discoveries

2019 is already feeling like it is going to be another pivotal year for me in personal growth, life experience, and life lessons. It has been overflowing with self-discovery, and on a surprisingly greater scale than when I was a long-term, solo traveller in South America (sometimes it takes longer than you think for changes to occur on a deeper, core level).

I’m a Hiker and Adventurer, and Not Just a Traveller

I made an incredible realisation of self-discovery this year. For a long time I thought that travel was what set my soul on fire. I thought travel was what I longed for and needed in my life. And that’s what my main prioritisation was at the beginning of 2018.

But after going immediately from city and beach travel at the beginning of this year in South East Asia, to mountain and hiking travel in March in New Zealand, it became very apparent that it is not travel alone that my heart longs for. It is not just travel that provides me with pure happiness and allows me to escape from my anxieties and insecurities.

It isn’t just travel that makes me whole. It is hiking, and being in the mountainous outdoors. It is living an adventurous and fearless life. It is travelling to far off places that people haven’t heard of, or that people don’t believe women should be travelling solo to. It is anywhere in the world that has true adventure waiting for me. Somewhere I can lose myself in the magic and adrenalin of it all, and forget about my real life obligations for a little while and just be present and exist in the moment.

[bctt tweet=”Adventurous, remote, and outdoor based travel with a very specific emphasis on hiking and exploration. That’s my happy place.” username=”@gseekingpurpose”]

And now I know it to my very core, I can make sure I prioritise it with every fibre of my being.

What Hiking Means to Me

Hiking Allows Me to Escape Anxiety and Stress, and Live in The Moment

In so many other aspects of my live I am plagued with crippling anxiety, all encompassing depression, debilitating fear of losing my loved ones, and varying degrees of stress. But when I am out on that trail putting one foot in front of the other, marching towards that pre-determined goal of conquering that mountain it all just melts away. I often find myself overcome with joy, happiness, and gratitude to the point of tears.

[bctt tweet=”I have never felt quite as alive, stress free, and at one with the moment I am in as I do when I am hiking.” username=”#gseekingpurpose”]

I managed to capture one of these incredible moments of being overcome with emotion and spontaneously bursting into happy tears in the following video — a raw, honest and personal reflection on what hiking means to me and how it has allowed me to grow, to heal and to be happy.

Hiking Means Facing Challenge and Adversity with Passion and Excitement 

I realised while trekking in New Zealand, that hiking isn’t just about the views for me. It isn’t just about the stunning photography opportunities, or the ability to get fit while doing something I love. They are all aspects of why I love hiking, but they aren’t the reason I am so passionate about it and obsessed with it in  a way I have never been about anything else in my life.

Hiking is about the mental and physical challenge. It’s about realising that I am capable of so much more than I ever thought possible. It is about conquering an endless number of obstacles that are thrown at you and coming out of it a better, more positive, resilient and resourceful person. Hiking allows me to understand how amazing it is just to be alive and to realise that I can overcome almost anything that I am faced with both on and off the trails.

Hiking has shown me that no matter how hard or tough a situation can be, I can still overcome it with passion, happiness and excitement. It taught me to focus on all of the positive aspects of life and to enjoy every single moment of being alive.

I took the following video while hiking in an intense 70km/hr+ blizzard on the Kepler Track in New Zealand. In a lull in the winds I took the opportunity to document how I was feeling in that exact moment. I had spent the previous 6 hours being pelted with piercing cold winds, unable to feel my fingers or nose, and pushed to my absolute limits both mentally and physically, but I found myself so unexpectedly happy and excited to be alive.

I absolutely love that during those tough moments I found it almost impossible to wipe the enormous smile off my face. I walked away from that day with a heart and soul full of lust for adventure and passion for life. I honestly couldn’t be more grateful for the ways in which hiking has changed me and for the emotions and tenacity it evokes in me.

Solo Travel Realisations

The more days I rack up as a solo traveller, the more I learn about this lifestyle and what it means for me. I can feel the way solo travel has changed me as a person — and I am so grateful for these changes and growth.

Changes to My Views, Capabilities and Opinions

I am a stronger, more independent and confident person than I have every been in my life. I have far greater problem solving and dispute resolution skills than I have ever had. And I am far more compassionate, empathetic and understanding of other people, their situations, and their cultural and belief differences than my younger self ever was. I feel like a more well-rounded person and I owe it all to solo travel and self-development.

Farewell Social Anxiety

Another amazing change is that I now have almost no social anxiety. Before I started this solo travel and hiking journey, my social anxiety had reached an almost crippling level. I may have come across as a high-functioning extrovert, but that was certainly not the case. Every time I had to try something new, meet new people, or even attend social gatherings with people I had known for a long time I was overwhelmed with panic, fear, anxiety and stress.

Now, after 231 days of cumulative solo travel, I can confidently say that I have almost entirely overcome my social anxiety. I now find myself craving the exact situations that used to cause me discomfort and let me tell you, it is a freaking exciting feeling to have!

Learning More About the People Around Me

I think I really hit the nail on the head with regards to my people related experiences in my recap post about my travels at the beginning of this year. I met some truly incredible people in the first three months of this year who have left a very permanent imprint on my person.

Some reminded me why it is that I chase this alternative lifestyle so passionately. Some showed me how exciting and fun life can be and provided me with genuinely perfect moments of laughter, happiness, and escapism. And then there were others who reminded me that I’m not alone in this world and shared with me their unique and individual perspectives that allowed me to further expand on my understanding of this insanely vast and diverse planet we live on.

Every single person I met during those first three months of this year, and in all of my travels, adventures and every day life, have had an impact on shaping the person I am today, and the person I am becoming and I am so grateful for that.

Learning More About Myself

The more I travel, hike, and challenge myself to live a more purposeful and intentional life, the more I realise about myself. I am learning to be more self-aware, to listen to my thoughts, feelings and emotions, and to understand what it is that I need in order to be truly happy and satisfied with life. I am also trying to think more deeply about my words and their impact on others. I want to leave a positive impact on this world and on the people around me and will continue to make this a focus of my self-development moving forward.

Greatest Moments

Getting My Mojo Back

When I started writing this post in April of this year, I honestly couldn’t think of a better way to describe it — I felt like I had my mojo back!! After such a tumultuous few years, I was finally starting to feel more like myself again. I was focused, driven, motivated and fuelled by tenacity. I was on a mission to fill my life with all of the things I loved doing, the people who made me happy, and the activities that kept me engaged, challenged, fit and healthy. And I know that I had not felt that alive in a really, really, long time.

There are aspects of that “mojo” that felt like a definite throwback to an older version of myself. A version that was bright-eyed, hungry for life and who was capable of conquering the world. But there were also elements to my mojo that were new and exciting — a more developed, mature and worldly version that was not just capable of conquering the world, but was going to.

Unfortunately, this mojo didn’t carry forward for as long as I hoped it would. It is something that comes and goes as I have learned the hard way. As I complete my final edit on this post and get ready to hit the publish button, I feel a little less focused, driven and positive than I was a couple of months ago. But re-reading this and realising that I can and have been in such a positive position before reassures me that I can be again. It encourages me to push through the tough times and chase my passions and purpose. And hopefully it does for you too.

Finding “My People”

The first three months on 2019 were overflowing with memorable encounters, laughter, deep and thoughtful conversations, and unique experiences with incredible humans. I don’t know whether it is the lifestyle I am now living, or the maturity of ageing (I am getting freakishly close to 30 now guys…), but I feel like I am finding “my people” so much more frequently now than I ever have before.

When I found “my people” at university, it was the first time in my life I ever felt like I belonged somewhere. I didn’t feel like an outcast, I didn’t feel judged, and I felt like I could just be myself. And then I entered the big, scary, real world and all the progress I had made was ripped out from underneath me. I was thrust into a world I didn’t belong in and was very much a fish out of water. It felt as though I didn’t fit in anywhere and that I may spend the rest of my life as an outsider.

It wasn’t until I started travelling to more remote and adventurous destinations, and started hiking and meeting like-minded people, that I realised I am not alone in this world. There are others out there just like me who I can click instantly with and connect with on a very real and deep level. And even though it is hard to say goodbye so frequently to all of these incredible people that are entering my life so frequently now, I wouldn’t have it any other way. The pain of parting ways so regularly is worth the reward of finding “my people” and having even the briefest of moments with them.

Most Difficult Moments 

Last year was an absolutely insane year when it came to ups and downs. I reached the pinnacle of happiness in my life to date while breaking free from the chains of societal expectations, and also hit absolute rock bottom upon my return to the real world, all in the same year. And while this year hasn’t been as drastic as 2018 was, yet, there have still been some pretty significant moments that stand out as being both incredible, but also very challenging.

The Highs and Lows of Being a Digital Nomad

Realising that I had finally achieved my goal to have the freedom to work from wherever I want, whenever I want was euphoric. But the reality of actually figuring out this new lifestyle was slightly more challenging than I anticipated.

As with anything, there is an art to finding the perfect balance. And without balance in our lives we can easily slip too far into the deep end and struggle to find our way back to the surface. Luckily, I was only drowning for a short period of time in South East Asia and I eventually found my life support.

Realisations Surrounding Long Term Travel and Remote Working

What I realised in my experiences at the beginning of this year is that travelling long term, and also working online while travelling, are extremely different to going on a holiday. Unfortunately, social media makes it seem as though being a digital nomad is a dream come true without any obstacles, monotony or struggles. And while choosing to live that lifestyle allows you to pursue your passions and hobbies more, and to take advantage of our ability to explore this world, it doesn’t mean that you don’t still have to work hard, save money and make sacrifices.

And it also doesn’t alleviate all of the usual issues you can be faced with when living and working at home — you can still feel anxious, depressed, sad and stressed and you can often feel even more isolated and lonely than you would when you are surrounded by friends and family at home. I went into this in a lot more detail in a post I wrote while working online from Malaysia.

Realisations Surrounding Mental Health and Wellbeing

I think it also hit me really hard when I realised that travelling full time wasn’t an automatic solution to a lot of my problems — mental, emotional and problems of a less identifiable category. Coming to terms with the fact that I will have to make a conscious and ongoing effort to maintain a positive and happy mental and emotional state, regardless of where I am or what I am doing was a big hurdle to overcome but one that I am finally beginning to understand in more depth. I know that I can be happy, driven and full of purpose when I’m doing what I love, but I also now know that I can be overcome by sadness and despair just as easily on the road as I can at home and that I need to be mindful of this no matter what.

I initially spoke about this topic in a mental health post I wrote while travelling long term in South America.  And then wrote about it again in the post I wrote while in Malaysia that I referred to above. I am intending on writing more about this topic in the future, and also hope to share some more of my personal struggles with my readers, along with how I’ve learned to overcome those types of issues. I’m hoping that others who are feeling the same or similar ways will feel a little less lost and helpless, and will have a few more tools and ideas on how to move forward in positive and constructive ways.

Realising the Mortality of My Loved Ones

And then there is this massive, terrifying realisation that I had at the beginning of this year — accepting and coming to terms with the mortality of my loved ones. The fear of losing them has been something that has caused me significant pain and anxiety over the last few years and with each passing day that reality only seems to become more real, with those anxieties becoming more warranted.

When something you have had an irrational fear about your entire life, becomes something you should be rationally worried about it morphs into an all-consuming, soul crushing anxiety that if left to its’ own devices will destroy you. This might sound dramatic, but it is the best way to described the thoughts, feelings and emotions I have been going through over the last 18 months, and more recently in the first few months of this year.

When it All Compounds

From an early age I have had event after event occur that has caused me to become more and more stressed in this regard. And then from the end of 2016 until now, it seems as though everything keeps getting exponentially more and more out of hand and scary. My closest family members continue to struggle with their health — both physically and mentally and I am only realising now how significant of an impact this has had on my own mental health and emotional state.

I had tried for a long time to ignore the fact that they aren’t immortal. I had tried to pretend as though their increasing health risks were something that would just go away — right up until I realised that almost all of them aren’t curable. I couldn’t bring myself to imagine a life in which they were no longer in it so I chose to ignore any of those possible scenarios and tried to bury my feelings and emotions about it.

Bringing it to the Surface and Dealing with it

After some of the more recent developments in all of my family members lives, I am no longer able to stick my head in the sand. I have been forced to face the mountain of worry and concern I had been hoarding all in one go. I am no longer able to let the thoughts and feelings silently eat me up inside and I know that if I don’t take the time to face them, I will risk being left as nothing more than the husk of a person.

I guess the denial, anger and frustration was all part of the grieving process, and a part of how we as humans cope and deal with massive pieces of information, and events that change our lives in very real ways. If I had tried to deal with it before I was ready, I know I would have imploded. But at least I am dealing with it now.

It is going to be a tough process to work through, but I am already feeling more positive about it. There is strength in honesty, especially with yourself. And talking about it has also been a vital and useful step in the process. We all need to make sure we are there for each other. You just never know what people around you are dealing with, and just because something doesn’t seem like a big deal to you, doesn’t mean it isn’t life changing for them.

On Reflection

Then Versus Now

A lot has changed in my mental and emotional state since I first put my reflections on the beginning of this year on paper. I am in a darker place now — I am feeling more hopeless and as though I am drowning in my family and personal struggles and obligations a lot more than usual. I am feeling the strain of financial pressure increasingly more than I have in a while. And I am feeling significantly more lost and adrift than I was when I was hiking on top of a mountain in New Zealand in March.

While it is insane to think of how different life can be in such a short period of time, I know that I can bounce back the same way that I have in the past. And this is the nature of mental and emotional health.

[bctt tweet=”Mental health is an ongoing battle that some of us fight every single day of our lives.” username=”@gseekingpurpose”]

You are never guaranteed happiness, and you definitely can’t do one solitary thing to ensure you have it for life. Happiness is something you have to work hard for, and be conscious of as part of your everyday and ongoing life. Some of us have to work harder than others, but at the end of the day we are all in this together. And knowing that we aren’t alone in our struggles makes the weight so much easier to carry.

It is so important to remember that no matter how okay or happy anyone seems on social media, in person or over the phone, they may be still struggling. I know that now more than ever. So many people expect me to be the happiest person alive based on what I post on my Instagram and Facebook, when in reality this is rarely the case. I do have moments of pure joy and happiness — those aren’t fabricated. But I work hard to achieve those and I am so grateful for them when they happen.

I hope that if you are reading this right now and feel as though you can relate, that you were able to take something positive away from my personal and reflective thoughts on the topic.

[bctt tweet=”Most importantly, I hope you realise that you are not alone.” username=”@gseekingpurpose”]

What This Means

While I read through this now in preparation to hit publish, it is refreshing. Seeing the incredible highs I experienced at the beginning of this year, and becoming aware of how invincible and positive my mental state can be, is a reminder to myself that no matter how hard times get, or how big the mountain of obligations and pain appears to be, I can still overcome and climb back up to that place of serenity, peace, happiness and purpose again.

I was able to find my way to that positive state this year already and I know that I can do it again. I just have to stay focused, work hard for what I want and take the steps I know I need to in order to maintain my mental, physical and emotional health. I hope that you feel as though you can too.

Let me know how your year is going in the comments and take a moment to reflect on your biggest moments, challenges and adventures so far in 2019!

--Girl Seeking Purpose