Long Term Solo Travel: The Hard Truths

Long term solo travel isn’t always as glamorous as it seems. While there are ample days in travel that are life changing, thrilling and extremely beneficial, there are just as many days that are devastatingly difficult and tiring.

Sometimes you get so frustrated and lost that you burst into tears while standing at a bus station or at the front desk of a hostel. Other times you are so unthinkably tired from navigating everything on your own in a place where you don’t speak the language, don’t look the part, and often have no idea what you are doing that you just want to curl up into a ball.

And as impossible as it seems, you can still get hit with crippling anxiety and all-encompassing depression while living the full time travel life. Despite all of the amazing moments of travel, sometimes everything takes just a little more energy than you humanly have left.

And those are the travel days that no one writes about. Those are the dark moments that people rarely share. And that is why everyone has an over-romanticised idea of what long term travel looks like. It is also why people have no idea why travel burnout is a thing, or why someone can still be sad, anxious or depressed while on the road.

Sharing the Honest Truth

Today I want to share a little insight into these challenges. Because I may look happy in every photo I post but there are still plenty of days, like today, when I am so anxious that I can’t breath, so stressed that I just want to eat or sleep myself into oblivion, and so tired that I just do nothing but focus on staying afloat.

What do I Hope to Achieve Here?

I’m not entirely sure what I will accomplish in sharing this today, but hopefully it provides some insight into my real life beyond what is seen on my Instagram stories. Hopefully it shows that my lifestyle is not as perfect as it appears on social media. I also hope that it allows others who are feeling guilty about not having their shit together, to cut themselves some slack. And hopefully it encourages my friends back home to understand what I’m talking about a bit more when I reach out to tell them that I am struggling even when I appear to be living the dream.

A Series of Unfortunate Events

Yesterday was Tough

Yesterday was one of those travel days that people don’t talk about. It was exhausting, patience testing, and left me completely depleted.

What should have taken me 2-3 hours maximum to change cities, ended up taking 8+ hours, 4 buses, two Grabs (Uber’s), 15km+ of walking in the heat and humidity with all of my gear, an extensive amount of bargaining, arguing and negotiating, and quite a few tears.

This was all due to a series of unfortunate events that snowballed into a disaster of a travel day. Usually I handle these kind of crazy travel days with grace and calmness, but sometimes it just all gets too much and gets the better of me. Sometimes I just don’t have the energy left for it.

Nothing Went According to Plan

Yesterday was meant to be my day off from work to explore the town I was leaving and the city I was arriving to. I had worked hard all week and through the weekend, and was looking forward to a day off. I had pencilled in the time around my two hours of transit and wanted to make the most of it knowing I would be working a lot over the next few days.

Unfortunately, due to the delays, I ended up arriving to my next destination quite late at night and in the middle of nowhere. I was exhausted, tired and spent. By the time I eventually arrived at a hostel and checked in I had zero energy left to see anything or explore at all, and I was out of time. The day was done, and I was done.

Overwhelming Anxiety

Good Intentions Aren’t Always Enough

When I finally went to bed, I was so overtired that I couldn’t sleep. I got up today with the intentions of exploring as much as I could to make up for yesterday. I had positive intentions to turn the events around.

But with less than 4 hours of interrupted sleep, and an exhausted mind, this did not eventuate as planned.

I started researching what to see and where to go and I suddenly felt so overwhelmed and anxious. My thoughts were centred on one thing; I needed to make the most of today, because if I didn’t then it meant I lost two whole days of income for nothing. That idea in the back of my head was placing so much pressure on me to get my day exactly right.

I know that’s not a positive thought process, but my anxiety brain took over and I couldn’t help it. While I am getting so much better at controlling these negative and toxic thought patterns, when I’m this tired it can sometimes be too hard to keep it in check.

Suffocated by Anxiety

So today I attempted to work on my blog, I replied to some work emails, and then I wandered aimlessly around the city, clutching my chest and forgetting to breath, while I attempted to push through my increasingly suffocating anxiety.

And due to my less than positive state of mind, I let the stares, remarks and giggles from the locals get to me today too. When I am feeling energetic and refreshed I greet these encounters with smiles and laughter, but that was not the case today. Today I felt awkward and uncomfortable. I felt unwelcome and I felt alone. I was acutely aware of being a solo female traveller, and that I look very different to everyone else and don’t belong here.

Giving Up

I sit here now, defeated having not seen any of the sights on my to do list and having not accomplished any work for today. I’ve made no money, I’ve produced no content, and I’ve seen and done nothing. Obviously there are more positive ways you could look at it, but that is the way my brain is perceiving the turn of events of the last two days in my current state of mind. And right in this moment, I’m too exhausted to look at it any differently.

Anxiety and travel burnout has won today. I accept defeat. I feel an intense amount of guilt for “wasting” two whole days, but I just can’t push on any more today. I know that tomorrow is a new day and that I will likely wake up refreshed and eager to accomplish my work, blogging, and travel goals. But right now, in this moment, I give up.

Honest Insight

Friends Trying to Be Supportive

Sometimes in conversation with friends online I mention that I’m feeling down or am looking forward to not travelling soon, or even that working and travelling remotely can be tough sometimes. They all too often reply sarcastically with something like this – “oh poor you, I bet life must be so hard working in x destination”. And it hits me right in the gut.

I don’t think they realise how a response like this affects me. I know it wasn’t their intention, but it makes me feel completely isolated and alone and as though no one truly understands my life now. And it just adds to the guilt I am already feeling about experiencing anxiety, difficulties and struggles while I am meant to be having the time of my life.

Things Aren’t Always as They Seem

They see my life on social media and imagine only the exciting and invigorating parts. They see beach days, cocktails and glorious views. And their knee jerk reaction is that my life couldn’t possibly have any challenges or negatives in comparison to living at home.

What they don’t see are all of the struggles and anxiety. They don’t see that I’m still working just as many hours as I do at home, or that I’m feeling run down and exhausted because I can’t eat the healthy diet that was easy to maintain when I had a stable and regular life, and access to fresh and safe food and water.

They don’t see the hectic transit days where I can get lost or ripped off at any moment and where I am the only person responsible for navigating those overwhelming situations. They don’t see the lack of hygiene I live with everyday, or the minimal living standards I’ve grown accustomed to in the pursuit of travelling to developing countries.

And they certainly don’t see the tears I shed when I realise the tough days I experience back home can be just as tough, and if not tougher, while I am on the other side of the world away from my support networks.

The Reality

I’m not trying to be ungrateful. I appreciate the immense privilege it is to be able to travel and work the way that I do. And there are so many days while travelling that are life changing, incredible, and worth every bit of struggle. But it definitely isn’t glamorous all of the time, and certainly not in the ways people think it would be. Or in the ways that are portrayed through social media.

And this lifestyle isn’t something that just “happened” to me. It is something I worked hard for and have to continue to work hard for to maintain. This is a part of the process that is also not shown enough on social media and leaves people imagining that a life of adventure and travel is funded on thin air and whimsical dreams.

But that is not the case. Unfortunately, I didn’t just wake up and win the lottery one day. I still have to work hard, save even harder, and prioritise travel, hiking and my desire to live an alternative lifestyle in order to make this dream a reality. I have made, and continue to make significant sacrifices to enable this lifestyle to continue and I guess that doesn’t always filter through to my friends and family back home.

Be Mindful of Your Words

So telling someone that they shouldn’t be complaining because they are “living the dream” is not really an ideal way to be a supportive or positive influence in someone’s life. It is important be mindful about the impact our words can have on someone and to try to understand that there may be more going on in someones life than what you see on social media.

No matter what someone is doing, they may still be dealing with a unique form of struggle or pain that you don’t fully understand. Making someone feel guilty about their mental state or difficulties in life or trying to belittle them can only ever make them feel worse. We need to stick together and support one another. This doesn’t just apply in the realm of travel either, but in all situations.

Sharing the Real Aspects

I hope that in sharing this insight into the other aspects of my life as long term solo traveller, that you have a clearer idea of the more difficult sides to this lifestyle. It isn’t always as blissful as it looks. Hopefully, these honest truths show that I am a real person who can struggle just as much as everyone else and that my Instagram stories are not the entire picture.

I am trying to make a conscious effort to share both sides of the coin. I don’t want to portray something that isn’t real or whole.

The more that people share the reality of their lives on social media, the more we will all be able to understand and feel compassion for one another. And the less envious we will all be of the lives we see other people leading, that may not even be entirely real.

--Girl Seeking Purpose