Photo courtesy of my amazing friend, Maria. Taken at the gorgeous Isla Del Sol on Lake Titicaca.
Two weeks ago I was ready to change my plans and fly home. I was mentally and emotionally burnt out. I was about to hit the four month mark of long term travel. I was lacking the same zest and excitement I had when I first started. I was no longer eager to see the next amazing city or viewpoint. I was exhausted from telling and retelling the same “where are you from and where are you travelling” story.
At the end of the day, I was not really looking forward to anything I had on the horizon. I no longer had those incredible euphoric moments I had experienced in the Patagonian mountains full of awe, happiness and laughter. To top it all off, I was on the other side of the world for the day my little brother turned 21. I was feeling so awful, depressed and alone despite the fact that I was living the dream of full-time travel. These feelings lead me to write the very reflective post about mental health that you can read here.
Plans were made to be broken. Even when they look like this.
At a Crossroads in my Plans
I was at a crossroads where I needed to decide if my plans should continue on or if they should change. My family, as always, were with my 110% no matter what I decided to do. Despite this, I could not help but wonder, what would everyone think if my one year trip in Latin America ended prematurely. What if I came home after only four months in South America? Would they think I’m a quitter or that I gave up? What would everyone say? How would they look at me?
No matter how hard I tried I could not help but let these thoughts take over my decision making. I spiralled more and more into this dark place I was finding myself in. I was in Bolivia, a third of the way through my dream trip and was feeling so hopelessly lost, alone and empty like I had so many times before in my life.
Too Many Options
Sometimes having all the options in the world makes it so much harder to know or choose what to do. I had the time and the money I had always wanted, to do whatever I wanted. Yet, I had no clue what that was. I realised about four weeks ago when I first felt this nagging in the back of my mind that Patagonia had been my larger than life dream and what I had so desperately been longing for. It wasn’t the anticipation of an epic 12 month solo adventure that had pushed me through all those hard moments in the build up. It was the thought of Patagonia!
I have never been as happy as I was in Patagonia!
After leaving Patagonia I was back to where I started; lost and confused and I was crashing hard. I needed to plan and find something new to give me direction and purpose. The problem was, I had no idea what that was going to be. When you have literally the entire world to choose from and only you to make the decision it can be a little overwhelming.
Listen to Yourself
Then the guilt set in. How could I possibly be upset or sad about having too many incredible options at my fingertips? How could I possibly be depressed when I am living the dream and travelling full time while others are out there struggling away doing things they hate but have to do?
But on the other hand I had worked so hard to get myself to this point with all these options and flexibility and I honestly felt like I was just throwing my time and money away on something that didn’t really feel right anymore. I knew that it didn’t matter where I was or what I was doing. I was feeling this way regardless of all these amazing things. Feeling guilty was only going to make it worse. I needed to make a decision and one that was right for me and me alone.
Put Yourself and Your Happiness First
I decided I needed to ignore all of the negative thoughts and all the concerns about what everyone else would think. I needed to just really try and work out what I wanted. If I really wanted to go home then it shouldn’t matter what anyone else would think, I should bloody well do it! And if I wanted to keep going then damn straight I should and I would find the courage and energy to do it right. And if I needed to move on from South America and go anywhere else in the world that got me excited for life again then that was what I was going to do.
It didn’t matter what my plans were or whether I did a whole year in Latin America as originally planned. It mattered whether I was happy and enjoying life. I knew it was important that I was spending my valuable time and my hard earned savings on what I actually wanted to do and not what I thought people would expect or want to see me doing. I needed to put myself first and ignore the thoughts in the back of my mind. At the end of the day you only have yourself to answer to about whether or not you lived the life you wanted. Nothing anyone else can say or think is going to change that deep down inside.
Making the Tough Choices
I so desperately wanted to book a flight to go home. I wanted to see my family and friends and to be there for my brother’s 21st birthday party. But I didn’t. I made the decision to push on and I booked a flight from Lima to Vancouver. I know my family understood why I decided in Valparaiso, then in Sucre and then again in Copacabana that I had to keep going.
My time in South America will soon be coming to an end. I will be starting the next phase of my journey in North America. This trip has been something I have needed to do for myself for a very long time. I know my brother would have been upset with me if I gave it all up and came home. Plans change, dreams matter and I am on my way back to the person I was at the start of my trip.
Make the kind of plans that make you smile like this!
The Journey Continues
So here I am, having just arrived in Peru for my last five weeks in South America. My family are proud of what I’m accomplishing on this trip and as a person. I am also proud of the ways I have grown and changed on this trip and I can’t give that up just yet. Moving forward I have to make sure I am still doing it for the right reasons and travelling to the places that I really want to. I need to make sure I am having the experiences that matter to me and not to anyone else. Patagonia was a dream come true and I have had so many incredible, life changing experiences here in South America. But now I am ready for the next chapter to begin.
Make the Right Plans
It does not matter whether the decision you are making is about travel, work, relationships, family, or anything else. You need to make sure you are making your decisions for the right reasons. Ensure you are not making them because you think it is what everyone else wants you to do. You should still take other people into account when you make life decisions if it affects them. Just don’t let your thoughts about what other people are going to think cloud your purpose, goals and dreams. Let yourself be happy and live the life that you want. Tomorrow never comes. Do it now and, most importantly of all, do yourself justice!
--Girl Seeking Purpose